Mr Litlove And The X(chromosome)-Files

Mr Litlove had his minor eye operation last week, and it all went off just fine. For the week or so before it took place, whenever he wanted sympathy, he’d put one hand over his eye and present a trembly bottom lip. This was effective enough in itself. When he did emerge from the eye clinic, the miracle that is laser surgery meant that he didn’t even have an eye patch. And yet….the drugs they had given him to enlarge his pupils were pretty potent and with his ears a little downturned from the general unpleasantness of hospitals, he looked exactly like Puss-in-Boots from Shrek.

puss in boots

Love me! Something BAD just happened.

For the rest of that day and most of the next, the only real side effect was the difficulty he had with bright light, not surprising with pupils the size of gobstoppers. But good news! He could still watch television.

I was a little…unnerved, however, to see him heading past me later that first afternoon with the DVD of the Sex in the City movie. As one of my friends once remarked, he is very keen on his alpha male stereotypes and not what you might call a bridge brain.

‘You’re going to watch Sex in the City?’ I asked.

‘Well you enjoyed it,’ he replied.

And I had to admit I thought: this should be interesting.

A little later, when I’d finished some work I was doing, I went through to see how he was getting on. He’d reached the part where Carrie Bradshaw gives a Christmas present to her assistant of a real Louis Vuitton handbag and she practically squeals the place down.

‘This is getting surreal,’ said Mr Litlove. (Ha! I thought) ‘That is the ugliest bag I’ve ever seen.’ (Not surprising; he has strong opinions about women’s clothing, for instance, he thinks Ugg boots are particularly aptly named.) ‘Look at it, it wouldn’t go with anything!’ (Okay, that was more metrosexual of him than I’d expected.)

I settled down to watch for a while, and tried to wipe tears away discreetly. But I really did have other things I should be doing. So I said I’d leave him to it.

‘We can’t be far off the end,’ he said.

‘There’s quite a bit more to go.’

He shook his head in disbelief. ‘It’s amazing how they can make such a long film in which nothing happens!’

Nothing happens? Carrie gets jilted at the alter, Miranda splits up with Steve and reconciles with him, Charlotte gets pregnant, Samantha does a whole host of Samantha-type things, there are fashion shows and holidays abroad and a lot of angsting over emotional intelligence-based life decisions, but, no, nothing happens. Several more hours passed before I saw him again.

‘So what did you think of the film?’

‘At the end?’ said Mr Litlove. ‘When Carrie and Big make up in that walk-in closet he’s supposed to have built for her?’

‘Yes?’

‘I just couldn’t understand how he’d got it out of the space. He must have bought the next door apartment, too, and knocked a wall down.’

On the whole it was much as I expected; he could have used subtitles. Well, life moved on and I thought no more about it, would have forgotten it entirely except that the next day, as I passed the television and Mr Litlove in front of it, a familiar face caught my eye. I looked again. Yes, it was Kirsten Stewart….in the snow…and wasn’t that boy supposed to be a werewolf?

‘Is that really one of the Twilight sequels you’re watching?’

Mr Litlove started guiltily. ‘I was just curious,’ he said.

How curious?’

For a little while I got quite excited about the potential storyline: man goes into hospital for routine eye operation, but emerges with a whole new gender perspective. You could sell it as The Snow Queen meets What Women Want. But after that there were no further cinematic surprises. Whenever I walked past the television, there were men shooting each other on it, or comedy panel shows.

Yesterday evening, Mr Litlove asked me if I had a topic for a blog post yet. Since I am ethically committed to warnings, I said, ‘Yes, you.’ He winced. ‘Now don’t be like that,’ I said. ‘Your loyal fans love hearing about your exploits, and I thought I’d tell them about the weekend of chick flicks.’

‘That just showed how low I was,’ Mr Litlove replied, gruffly.

And yet, I’m not entirely convinced. Mr Litlove was wearing his rowing gear, as he’s been competing all this week in the town ‘bumps’. Having caught up with the boat in front of them on the course and bumped, he was wearing the traditional branch of willow. But he hadn’t just stuffed it down the back of his shirt, he’d twisted it into a delightful laurel wreath, and being Mr Litlove, he’d managed to make the leaves particularly perky.

Maybe he’d learned a little something, after all.

 

 

30 thoughts on “Mr Litlove And The X(chromosome)-Files

  1. Three cheers for Mr Litlove!
    I also watched a film out of curiosity this past week – Ted. I am now convinced that I should only listen to Seth MacFarlane do his crooning, for all his scripts/voices are too full of toilet and dick jokes for me. (Does this mean I’ve finally grown up?!)

    • Yes, I had the misfortune of watching Ted over Mr Litlove’s shoulder for a while (and not that long ago, now you mention it). My sister-in-law said that she felt she’d grown up when she was teaching a bunch of med students, and one blew up a rubber glove and put it on his head like a rooster, and she didn’t think it was funny. I did love the story, though!

  2. Hmm, I have not watched either of these and you haven’t really convinced me here. However I totally agree with him that Ugg boots really do not work! None of my stylish friends wear them and that’s more than good enough for me🙂

    Hope we can meet up again soon, P x

    • They look quite cozy, but also, to my mind, like yeti feet. Still, I’m unlikely to get a pair. Now, DP, if Mr Litlove can sit through Sex and the City, I’m sure you can!🙂 Do say if you are seeing your Cambridge PhD student any time! x

  3. Ahahahah, so what did he end up thinking of the Twilight movie? The last one in the series came on television last week, and I watched it because I remembered hearing that there was an ENORMOUS MASSACRE scene in it. I watched long enough to enjoy the spectacle of everyone getting their heads ripped off, and then switched to something else. It was wonderful.

    • Well now, you are making it sound much more like a movie I might have pegged for him! Love your account, and delighted to know you found enjoyment in the franchise. I have asked him what he thought, but he looked very blank and didn’t really have an answer, which I guess may be answer enough.

  4. Oh my God, this was so funny, not least because I made exactly the same comment at the end of the “Sex and the City” film, which for some unknown reason I watched with my mother. Though I have to admit, I quite liked a lot of the actual series, though as with most stories involving twenty or thirtysomethings, I was repeatedly struck by the fact that none of the storylines would be possible or necessary if people would just be honest with themselves and others.

    • Ha, yes! So true. I hadn’t though about the twentysomethings, but Frasier has the same ethos. As soon as Frasier and Nils start to pretend, bad things happen. I guess this is a pretty good life lesson, though it’s a shame life itself so often encourages dishonesty. I think it’s rather sweet you watched this with your mother, although I confess I’m very intrigued to know what your favourite films would be. I don’t think we’ve had that conversation!

  5. I really enjoyed your post, Victoria. Can’t comment on the films as I haven’t seen either of them, but Mr Litlove’s handbag comment made me laugh! I hope his eyes have settled down now.🙂

  6. Poor Mr. Litlove – I do empathise as I’m particularly squeamish about eyes. As for Sex and the City – I’ve never watched it, but OH is a huge fan, so I don’t quite know what that says about us…..🙂

  7. Thanks for the amusement. Haven’t seen either of these films, oddly enough! I don’t go for action films much either, just one ‘bloody’ thing after another or Hollywood saves the world via mass slaughter, destruction, and, of course, mass camaradarie (group hugs all round). I hope I would have noticed some of the emotional issues, but I would have noticed the closet space issues. At the moment we are considering alterations to the house and my wife is having serious problems with understanding that all she wants will not fit in the space, mainly because rooms need doors, which need access, so you can’t have a cupboard where you need a corridor. Despite C S Lewis having wardrobes containing Narnia or the Tardis space warping skills of the good Doctor, I think I may just have to build a mock-up in the garden! Hope the eye is soon fine.

    • Your comment did make me laugh! May Narnia arrive in your house very soon. I do sympathise with your wife’s desires, and indeed her feelings about space in general, and don’t tell her but I once got rid of a door so I could have a bookcase. Now what films do YOU like best, Bookboxed?

  8. Does Mr. Litlove realize just how large a loyal following he has? This was a delight to read and clearly he learned something if he made his willow branch into a crown! I wonder just how far-reaching the effects will be? And can they be replicated?🙂

    • Lol! He seems to be pretty much back to normal now, but maybe I should quietly start watching a girly film and see if it tempts him in! We could do with a scientist over here to chart some data – fancy a visit??

  9. Finally! Thank you, Mr. Litlove for pointing out what I have always thought. The Louis Vuitton bag was simply hideous and from where did Big get the room for the closet. Did he mention the really awful wedding gown with the blue-feathered bird veil? That was a real doozie. The $500 shoes were pretty…but $500??? Love that film because it is just such fun.

    • Grad, you are UNCANNY. He DID mention the bird! Though I don’t recall him mentioning the shoes – I fear this may have passed him by as too implausible to be stored as data. It is a fun film, isn’t it? I really enjoyed it, too, though I think they should probably quit while they are ahead and not keep threatening to make more. Though if they do, I’d probably watch it!

  10. Did you ever read the Daphne Du Maurier story “The Blue Lenses”, about a woman recovering from eye surgery? I won’t say much about it except to recommend it and note that her experience is more extreme, but more subjective, than Mr. Litlove’s.

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