Can you bear to hear more about my redundancy from college? One of these days I’ll actually write a book review and surprise us all. But it seems that this situation is still lacking closure, and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety that I don’t quite understand. What I would really like is to walk away from my old job and never look back, never even think about it again if that were possible. But so far, I’ve had nothing in writing from college, and no mention of my job and the discussion it provoked has appeared in the council minutes that get circulated. It’s as if nothing has happened. Then my friend, the one I mentioned before who is pretty angry about the situation, had a chat with the Master, who said it had all been mishandled and I was never meant to leave. This of course doesn’t fit in any way with what the Senior Tutor told me, which was that the council intended to organise study support quite differently in the future. It doesn’t even fit with the first thing that the Master told my friend, which was to confirm that I’d been nobbled by someone on the council who had better remain nameless.
Have I mentioned sufficiently how much I detest politics? And now, worst of all, there’s all this political mess around the axing of my old job. My friend tells me that the Master very much wants to see me and is convinced he would offer me the job back. But you know what? Even if he did, (and bless her, I suspect her conviction is a product of her loyal friendship) I really don’t want it. I am a very peace-keeping, conflict-avoidant sort of person, and someone who always makes an effort to see any situation through the eyes of the others involved. But if you asked me to go back and work with these people again, as if nothing had happened, I couldn’t possibly do it. The mere thought of it is enough to bring me out in hives.
And here’s where we come to the part of the problem that’s really bothering me: I think that I’m okay about this redundancy, and at least in my conscious mind I am all ready to move on, we’re done and dusted here. But every time I am obliged actually to think about it, and about having to deal with all that remains unresolved, I come across immense anxiety. On two occasions, I’ve discussed this matter with my friend, and after each time I’ve spent the following night in dreadful nightmares, really awful ones that have left me shattered the next day. At the bookstore, my manager had the truly brilliant idea of dropping the Master an email asking politely what ‘package’ college was going to offer me for the redundancy, which seemed to me the best solution to the various issues involved I’d yet come across. It sounded like something I could actually do. Today, I’m struggling with dreadful hypochondria because I have to draft the letter (it’s done, by the way). When I start worrying I have some fatal disease, it’s usually a sign that I’m feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure. But I just don’t understand why. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of here, or what I think will happen. And that’s why I felt the need to write this post, because sometimes, answers come to me most readily when writing, and even more often, my blog friends have insight that helps no end.
I really don’t know why it freaks me so to contemplate having to do something about this redundancy, and there will be things I have to do, like it or not (although I am hoping to keep them to a bare minimum). This is the most frustrating kind of anxiety, the type where I don’t know what’s causing it. Any suggestions for how to get around this psychic obstacle will be gratefully received….or failing that, hugs are great.