Sinking In

I don’t know how to thank you all for the amazing support you’ve given me over the past few days. I’ve been completely overwhelmed and immensely grateful.  Thanks to you, and to my family who’s been fantastic, a horrible experience has been made entirely bearable.

The good news is that I feel a great deal better than I did about leaving my college. The bad news is that I’m instantly down with a throat infection. But that is what I think might be termed a healing crisis. I seem only able to process big emotions viscerally, and my goodness it was SUCH a shock. I think I know what being run down by a truck must feel like. All chronic fatigue phenomena have on one level a protective function, and my body has registered that something large and truck-like or bullet-like has hit me and so its instant response is to lie me low for a bit until the danger passes. But also, and finally, the last part of the old structure of being has been plucked out, and it seems to be a perfectly clean wound that now needs to heal up. And it will.

My relationship to the university was never a wholly healthy one – if indeed it’s possible to have that. I approached it always as a very good girl with something to prove, and I would put myself entirely to one side in order to be pleasing and appeasing in any way the university wanted. I never quite managed to forge a better relationship than that, and if I hung onto my old job, it was partly because I still had a romance with the university and still felt it might love me a bit. But also partly to have this great monument to achievement by my side where it would stand in for anything I might personally lack. So it will be very good for me not to be able to define myself in that way any more. I’ll have to be just me, and accept that it’s enough.

And of course you are all quite right – I’ve got a big open opportunity now to do new things, and that will be exciting. First of all, I’ve got my autumn back. No need to battle the elements, regretting the dying of the light, cursing the ever colder weather. I can stay cosy at home and write when I feel like it (this is not quite how Mister Litlove is envisaging it: he has more of a Colette and Willy scenario going on, whereby he counts the number of pages I’ve produced at the end of the day). But first of all I’m taking a holiday to get over the shock of it all. I’m reading Anthony Horowitz’s surprisingly good pastiche of Sherlock Holmes, The House of Silk, and listening to audio books of Poirot’s early cases and an old favourite novel, The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler. And I have Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck to watch in Roman Holiday. So you can see I am self-medicating in style. I’m not looking forward to packing up my rooms, but I can take a little time over it and, when I’m feeling better, I’ll be able to blog regularly and devote some time to getting The Best of New Writing on the Web up and running. I’ll be just fine. Thank you all so much for helping me to be that.

In Which I Am In Shock

I am in shock. I’ve just been effectively given the sack.

I feel such a fool, as I’ve been making changes to my life in order to accommodate what I thought was going to be an increase in my study support hours. I was in college this afternoon, seeing one of the college accountants, oddly enough, who had been having difficulty passing her accountancy exams. Although this was a bit of an unusual case for me, the hour had gone very well, and it was in a buoyant mood that I walked out of my rooms towards the car park. Then I bumped into the Senior Tutor who said we had to talk about what had happened in the council meeting, and after we’d made a few suggestions of times we could meet, he suddenly asked if we could talk right now.

The idea had been to bring my job more in line with other teaching jobs in college but the proposal he had put together with an increase in my hours was turned down flat. A lot of the problem revolves around something I can barely explain here which is the title of my job and where it fits into the structure of titles. It’s a complex system and the council refused to have me as a Fellow who a) works part-time and b) is not attached to a University post. Then they had decided that if there was to be an increase in study support, it should be subject specific. (I currently see all arts and humanities students, and the idea is to nominate ‘teaching associates’ for each subject area, which really means that there won’t be study support any more because I can’t see that being organised by harassed lecturers). So that was that.

Much as I absolutely hate asking this kind of question, I said to the Senior Tutor: ‘Did the council think I had done a poor job these past four years?’ And he said, no, they were appreciative of what I had done, it was just that it could not be made to fit with what they wanted. But of course, at the moment I can’t help but feel like I did a bad job.

Mister Litlove’s take on this is that I did indeed do a bad job – at the politics. ‘You never managed up,’ he said, ‘and it’s the people who manage up who really get on.’ And it is true that I do not do the politics, which I loathe and think wholly unnecessary and am in any case completely unable to engage in. When I look back there were enough people telling me I should eat in hall at lunch, and go to the college dinners, and I suppose the Senior Tutor may have been giving me an opportunity when we last spoke to offer some sort of study support kingdom on a grand scale that might have saved me. But I didn’t want to do any of those things. And I didn’t do them. I thought doing a good job was the point.

It still seems peculiar to me, as I had felt so sure, looking back, that I did help the students. Or at least, well, I thought I did. This wholly unexpected change in events makes everything look unsure. Mister Litlove says it’s nothing to do with me at all, but then he is my husband and a sweetie. All I know is that it’s the end of an association that’s been a huge part of my life since I was 18. It feels really, really odd.

This Business of Reviewing

Scarcely a day seems to go by without some new attack or challenge to the notion of the review in the blogworld, and for the most part, I don’t find them helpful. But I’ll make an exception for two interesting posts, one from Book Riot and one from The Millions, more interesting than others of their ilk because of the serious attempts made to think about what good review might do. Both are suggesting a move away from the stranglehold of summary-plus-personal-opinion that dominates the orthodox review structure, and I’m all for experimenting with new approaches.

My own feeling, which I’ve mentioned many times here, is that personal-opinion based reviews tend to say a great deal about the person reading, but less about the book. When you read them, you have to measure yourself against the taste of the author of the post, rather than the nominal subject of it. And you come away with an idea of whether you should read the book or not, rather than anything more durable and useful concerning literature, reading, and their place in the world. Sometimes that’s all a person wants, and that’s fine. But books are so rich, so full, so fascinating – don’t they occasionally deserve a little more of our mental energy?

The Millions post provides a good account of the latest round in the review wars and makes some suggestions about what is reliably useful to read in a review. My only objection to this post, and it is a strenuous one, is the idea that negative reviews are ‘better’. To be fair, the justification put forward for this is that readers tend to be fuzzily warm over books they’ve enjoyed, but dislike or dissatisfaction requires a sharper more focused approach, and I can see the logic in that.

However, I simply cannot abide this idea that picking out what is ‘wrong’ (highly subjective in itself) is the highest emblem of quality. Whilst I am no more in favour of always writing positive reviews (prescriptions of all kind distress me), I think negativity has to be handled delicately and in great self-awareness. It can so easily be about the critic claiming intellectual superiority over the stuff that feeds him, or throwing a hissy fit because a book has proved to be a disappointment. We read books from such a deep, private, sensitive place that they can affect us disproportionately, and we don’t acknowledge this enough.

I think it also risks conflating the experience of reading a book with a judgment of it. The experience of a book is unique, powerful and set in stone. We cannot be persuaded that our experience was other than it was. But an experience is based on so many factors that have nothing to do with what we are reading – which is why we can return to a book twenty years later and have an entirely different experience of it. So pure experience is not to be trusted to communicate the very essence of a book. It provides a springboard into the story, a starting point, not an end in itself.

Over at Book Riot, the blogger formerly known as the Reading Ape (is there a symbol for that?) discusses his frustration with reading and writing reviews and posts an excellent list of ideas about what a good review should do. His point here is that we rarely say; this is a great review and you should read it. So what would a great review look like? My initial response is that whilst this is an impressive list of ideal review qualities they pose a substantial and often abstract demand. How to set about achieving any of them? Among the comments there are a number of responses that argue that incorporating such qualities into a review would turn it into literary criticism instead. To which I am obliged to say: what would be wrong with that? A little literary criticism is like a little spice in cooking. The right amount enhances the flavour, even if too much is indigestible. Now whilst I cannot tell anyone what a good review ought to look like, I can offer the basic principles of literary criticism, which are simplicity itself.

The basic building block of interpretation is critical commentary, or taking a chunk of text and seeing what’s going on in it. You can take as much or as little as you like, a paragraph or the whole book. Then – and this is what I used to teach my first years – you consider it from a series of perspectives. I’ve created a list of possible questions that readers can ask themselves but it is by no means definitive, simply an initial suggestion that can be altered and built on as wished:

Narrative voice.

Who is speaking here and what impact does this have on the story?

Are we dealing with a first or third person account? The first person tends to be intimate, partial and particular, the third to be distant, even invisible, but authoritative. Or is the text polyvocal, with lots of different voices undermining the idea of a coherent argument or approach informing the story?

How to describe the register (colloquial or formal, poetic or lyric) and tone (so many possibilities – confiding, ironic, subversive, playful, cold, etc)?

What does the narrator want us to know about themselves and what is being hidden?

Form and Structure

What are we dealing with here – a conventional story with a beginning, a middle and an end, or something more fragmented? A text studded with letters or newspaper reports, or a stream of consciousness?

Does genre play a part, and if so, does the book follow the conventions of the genre?

Then we need to dig down into the words – even to think about whether we’re dealing with long or short sentences, and their rhythm, their musicality or lack of it.

What sort of lexicon or discourse are we presented with? For instance, are there lots of analytical words (creates an argument) or abstract words (philosophical or spiritual leanings) or fantastic ones (appeals to the world of private imagination), etc.?

Are there particular devices at work – metaphor and simile?

In all these instances, we need to ask ourselves what the effect is. Each word has been chosen for a reason, busting its little guts to affect the reader, so what are they actually doing?

Themes and Characters

It’s interesting to look at questions of energy and balance when considering themes and characters.

Do the different personalities in the narrative balance each other out, or do they tip the scales one way or another?

Where’s the energy going in the book – towards what purpose, or what end?

How do the characters play out the themes of the novel?

Is there a clear moral universe being constructed (who wins, who loses) and what does this say about the culture the book is set in?

What systems of values dominate the story – are the values clear cut, or is the book confused and contradictory? Sometimes the best books are confused and contradictory; it can actually make for a very powerful effect on the reader when the answers do not come at the end, and of course it’s very comforting when they do.

Change and Transition

So what is actually different by the end of the book, or even the end of a scene? All sorts of issues come into the aspect of change concerning the version of time and space the story functions in.

Are we looking at characters who develop in linear fashion, or are we all about the circularity?

Repetition is a very powerful device in literature, and when you come across it, it’s worth a moment’s thought, as it can suggest quite contradictory possibilities: depressing and even cynical entrapment, nostalgic, conservative desires for stability and a cosmic view of a natural order that inevitably reasserts itself.

Change, by contrast, tends to indicate lessons learned, characters developed and the scary unpredictability of consequences, both good and bad.

There is a fundamental message here about whether we can change and alter the world – both our personal one and the external world we live in – which is the basis for all political readings of novels.

The Role of the Reader

It’s interesting to take a step back from reading to see how and why we are responding to a novel.

Are we being manipulated and if so, how, and to what purpose?

Are we kept in line with the narrative development, up to date with everything the characters themselves learn, or are we kept in the dark, mystified, held in suspense? What knowledge do we need to bring to the text to understand it?

What knowledge are we readily given, and what is withheld?

How hard do we have to work to extract the meaning of the story?

What are we asked to bring our sympathy to, or are we instructed instead to mistrust, to disapprove, to disagree?

And lastly but fundamentally, what were our expectations? Have they been met or not, and if not, is this because in actual fact, the novel is challenging conventions and asking us to be more broad-minded?

Ok, so having gone through all these sorts of questions, we have a lot of information at our disposal. Of course not all the questions will have yielded fruit, and that’s fine. The way forward now is just to pick out the information that seems most interesting to us as basis for a discussion. The whole reading thing is about being playful and open-minded, asking lots of questions, and avoiding those deadening assumptions that prevent us from getting the most out of what we read.

On Not Being Thanked

Mister Litlove and I have decided that we must have come down with a bug this weekend, as we are both feeling under par. But in my heart of hearts I recognise that cataclysmically wiped out sensation as a remnant of the old chronic fatigue, rearing its ugly head. For me, that means an external cause, something out in the world has had a disproportionate effect on my inner world, and it wasn’t hard to track at least one cause back to an unsatisfactory meeting in college earlier in the week.

You all know that I do this part-time study support job, helping out the students who are struggling with their work. Well apparently the three-year trial period I had no idea we were having is up, and it is time to re-elect me to my post. Only the Senior Tutor (and I should point out right away that I like him very much, we are friends and he was very patient and supportive of me when I was ill) needs to ‘regularise’ my job as it is unlike any other. This will essentially mean more work – when doesn’t it? – which doesn’t exactly thrill me.

‘Do you think college council will be willing to re-elect me?’ I asked, bearing in mind that when I began this job, there was much hostility and resistence to it.

‘Council has indicated it would be happy to see greater provision of study support,’ replied the Senior Tutor, which I took to be a yes. But the u-turn in council feeling was not attributed to the time I have taken over the years to talk to the other fellows, and engage in long email exchanges, explaining what I would do and how I would do it, and the huge campaign of diplomacy I have undertaken not to tread on their delicate toes. And then of course, all the hours I have spent actually with their students. But perhaps it had nothing to do with that at all?

It feels wrong to want recognition. It feels sort of demanding and unreasonable. When we were discussing the students and in particular one whom I worked with a great deal at the end of last year, a student who had been predicted to fail and who ended up with a surprisingly good 2:1, I could have thumped the Senior Tutor when he said smugly ‘I always knew X could do it.’ I did not point out that for two and a half years, X had not done it, and it was only after a massive input of my time and energy that the miracle occurred. Because that felt grasping and arrogant and wrong. But surely I counted for something in the process, didn’t I?

It’s not like I want trumpets and balloons and champagne. I would be embarrassed in the face of effusiveness. I couldn’t bear to be fawned over. I’d just like someone to say thank you, and to reassure me that I’ve done a decent job. We got through a whole meeting without coming anywhere close.

I really feel I ought not to want it, but I do. I know without a doubt that part of the reason I burned out as a lecturer was exactly this lack of recognition. Don’t get me wrong, the students are great, and a solid proportion do say thank you to me every year and that’s lovely. But I sort of feel they shouldn’t have to thank me, really, while the people who employ me jolly well ought to. Is that wrong? I have this genius at being invisible, which Mister Litlove attributes to my façade of self-containment. I don’t look or act needy, which is of course a lie; I’m as needy as anyone else, particularly for reassurance. And this new job turns out to be quite difficult and demanding and almost 95% of the time I never get any feedback from my colleagues as to whether their students are working and coping better. I certainly don’t go begging for gratitude because that sort of strategy would completely undermine its results, wouldn’t it? I’m only interested in what people are willing to give freely.

So at the moment the thought of more years of more hard work with the same old lack of recognition is making me feel  tired. But there is a large part of me still deeply attached to college; I like being a fellow and the perks that come with it, like my room and my book grant. I even appreciate students still, despite spending all my time with the most hapless ones. It’s ironic, really, as so much of what I do with those poor, hapless students is reassure them that I see how hard they are trying, and how much effort they are putting in. Their supervisors only look at the results and when they are not good enough, the first assumption is that the students are slacking off. When it is so much more likely the case that they are twisting themselves up in knots trying too hard. Cambridge is such a harsh system, the opposite of nurturing. And of course I’m a product of this system so I try very hard, too. There is probably a lesson to be learned here for both the students and myself, we should all just put in a lot less effort and watch the paradox of increasing returns unfold. But when Monday morning rolls around, and finds you in your workplace again, take a moment to express your gratitude to someone, say it out loud and generously. There’s just not enough recognition around and it has such an energising and clarifying effect. It’s such a small thing that can really make a difference to another person’s day.